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Why My Pirate Doesn't Critical

Nov 01, 2013
Sam Underhill on Jun 22, 2016 wrote:
Here are the top ten reasons why my pirate doesn't critical.

1) I can't critical when I'm hungry.
2) I can't concentrate with all my Companions bickering.
3) The sun was in my eyes.
4) I left my good weapon at home on the kitchen table..
5) I caught a good whiff of Catbeard's breath.
6) My lucky four leaf clover is missing.
7) I was distracted by the stitching on the enemy's clothing.
8) Milo's latest money making scheme has me worried..
9) I thought we were going to fight someone else.
10) My shoes were untied.
11) Captain Avery is coming over for dinner, and I still don't know what to make.

I also can't count to ten very well.
1. Aro1 did my critical hit instead of me. (See my other post on this thread about Aurora's clones.)
2. I'm busy naming a dream Pirate.
3. I'm busy creating my own Class!
4. I'm busy stopping the Armada from destroying the Spiral, a.k.a. saving the Spiral. Okay fine, I didn't do that because: In order to save the Spiral, I have to critical!
5. Aro1's confronting me I don't have to critical. (She's good at persuading. )
6. Aro1 keeps telling me I'm a Musketeer. Seriously?
7. I'm busy making posts about why I can't critical, which makes me unable to critical. This is called a chain reaction.
8. Bishop reminds me too much of Walter Bishop from the TV series Fringe that I can't even think straight without seeing if Bishop's laboratory has anything like Walter's lab. After I win the fight. Which means after I do my critical.

9. Let It Go from Frozen got stuck in Aurora's head and she ends up "letting go" of her Butterfly Knives. "Wait, what?"
10. I can't make my last excuse because Aro2 is trying to... take... over... the... critical!

Hope... you like it!

Thanks... and Good Hunting,

The... Dashing... Swashbuckler, a.k.a. Helpful Aurora1 Parker, Level 54 1/2 Swashbuckler

Petty Officer
May 17, 2011
I am suffering from the same problems, so here are my reasons:

1. I need to board another ship for my Boarding Knives to work, which I never do.
2. My partner is a Privateer, so he is so busy buffing for other things, my critical chance is lowering to balance it out.
3. Baar stole my critical chance and kills everything in one round.
4. I have to listen to Bonnie Anne and Ratbeard argue like their lives depend on it.
5. I was grinding Moo Manchu's tower to much for those nefarious knives, and the game got tired of helping me kill, so it got rid of my critical chance so I would rage quit.
6. Buffalo Bill's incredible snipes were distracting me.
7. Catbeard spent all my gold on pickled herring, so I was mad and couldn't critical.
8. Shiruku Neko kept spooking me with her ninja skillz.
9. Gaspard de Vole keeps bugging me about when we can go do his new promotion quest.
10. My Scarakeet, Admiral Charlie, keeps pooping on deck, so I have to clean up, which is gross nd smells bad.
11. I would keep going, but Admiral Charlie just pooped on one of Gracie's machines, and I have to help her rebuild it... which makes me think about what those bits are. So, I did make another reason!

Petty Officer
Mar 23, 2011
I used to wonder why I don't critical, but when I thought a bit deeper into it I realised.

1: I am happy with the world I am in.
2: I take this world as the truth
3: I do not realise that this world is a simulation
4: I do not believe, that there is no spoon.


~ Nathaniel Lawson

Mar 02, 2016
1. A wild swarm of batacuda knocked me and Ratbeard overboard. Bonnie wasn't in the mood to help us.
2. Dos Amigos Y Uno have been distracting me all day with their epic mustaches.
3. The frog pirates are too slippery to get ahold of! I'm not the only one, right?!
4. Catbeard stuffed some of his pickled herring in my coat last night while I was sleeping, and I can't seem to get the smell out.
5. My nefarious knives are a little rusty. I left them out in the rain.
6. I was kidnapped by Monquistans.
7. My feet were itchy. I should clean the mud out of my shoes.
8. I made a wax sculpture of El Toro, and Hawkules mistook it for the minotaur.
9. I accidentally shot the invisible swordsman.
10. Ratbeard had a change of heart and took off with all my gold.

Petty Officer
May 17, 2011
wait, I have more (see my last post fro the first 11)

12. Ok, so I am FINALLY done with helping Gracie. When I asked her what it even was, she said find out for yourself. Now, I am spending half my free time trying to instead of training.
13.Because 13 is an unlucky number and this is reason number 13. You can fill out the rest of the blanks.
14. I am constantly tripping over Handsome Dan (I keep telling him to get an even taller hat).
15. My Faun Fawn, Scrappy Rosco, keeps headbutting me because I forgot to walk him... again.
16. I am trying to figure out the mystery behind the treasure map on the Boarding Knives, because I want me some money!
17. I keep needing to tell Hawkules that it's Marleybone, not Barleycorn.
18. Baar's ferret's were fighting again... and whenever someone tries to break them up, the ferrets will attack. Not might attack, WILL attack.
19. I am having second thoughts about having my houses treasure room on only slightly cooled lava...
20. My Pirate Parrot keeps bucking me off, and it's usually in either water, ice, stone, or even molten lava...
21. I had to finish this list like the other one, where it ends on a 2 digit number with 1 at the end, which is annoying and a waste of time.

Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
Valkoor only has one excuse and or reason as to why he doesn't critical. That being, his crew just returned from completing their companion tasks....

Here's those rapscallions' latest "haul".....

Scavenging Scalawags ("What in the Spiral?!?!")

Barnabus- Some Speedo swim trunks. Nice try big guy....but slow is slow!!
El Toro- A bulk supply of Cool Whip and dental floss. And Harrison Ford's autograph.
Hawkules- A barrel of rotten herring and a 28 inch, fake handlebar mustache. Actually this one was Captain's orders. Valkoor should've clarified himself when he told Hawkules to gather some spoils and a sweet stash!
Goronado- Spiral of the Apes complete boxed set and some banana cream pie.
Catbeard- Some Fresh Step and some Ziploc containers. The last one being another of Captain's orders. That bowl of fish was reaching critical conditions.
Gracie- A Deluxe Erector Set, a poster of Golem and a pneumatic impact-wrench.

Pet Wranglers ("Yeesh, these guys here!")

Ratbeard- Literally brought back Wranglers for Valkoor's pets. Have you ever seen a Inky Octopus in jeans? Ridiculous, I say. Though, I must admit that Eloise did a fantastic job with the stitching!
Lucky Jack- Flea powder and front row tickets to the Circus (not Maximus, mind you!)
Dead Mike- Any lively pets he could find!
Romba- Actual pet droppings...not dropped pets! You crazy watermole!

Pitiful Plunderers ("Oh my aching head!")

Baar, Gohr and Laarn- Some golden locks and porridge.
Old Scratch- 200 Scrip worth of scratch-off tickets.
Emmett- A box of Flower-Patch Kidds (pirates favorite movie treats) and 56 ticket stubs from the latest Hairy Otter movie...Hairy Otter and the Breathy Hellos! Hairy Otter and the Order of the Cheese Sticks is still his all-time favorite though!
Inoshishi Necromancer- A T-shirt (XXL) with the word "BOO" on it. "That's Booty...not "Boo" tee!"

Yeah, as you can's nearly impossible to critical with this kind of kooky crew behind ye!

Jun 02, 2013
1. That Dragoon just shot me in the face with a cannon, and you expect me to do a critical hit whilst casting mournsong!
2. Working out how to use my companions flanking epic for an extra hit
3.Kane didn't just stop at one heart when it was time to stop!
4.Because summoning a minion isn't a hit nor can it critical

Petty Officer
Mar 23, 2011
Wolf RavenBlood on Jul 5, 2016 wrote:
I used to wonder why I don't critical, but when I thought a bit deeper into it I realised.

1: I am happy with the world I am in.
2: I take this world as the truth
3: I do not realise that this world is a simulation
4: I do not believe, that there is no spoon.


~ Nathaniel Lawson
Okay, for real this time!


1: Y'know the unannounced feature they added, where if your companions critical all the time it lowers your chances of getting a critical.

2: Old Scratch tried to fight me to gather nautical xp!

3: Keisuke cleaned the floor with the opposition before I could even land a hit!

4: I cast discipline wrong and the birds flew into my face and started pecking my eyes! I CAN'T SEE!

5: I was too busy crying because I never got to read my mother's diary.

6: I just saw Gazpaccio die.

7: I'm not crying, there just something caught in my eye! TEARS!!!

8: I was too busy watching YeTube...

9: All this travelling around the spiral and I haven't slept once. I'M SO TIRED!

10: I'm a Privateer, I don't attack anyone.

11: Why are there eleven?! I wanted just ten!!!! Why does nothing go my way?! BE QUIET SCRATCH, I HAVE YOU IN MY LAST SPOT FOR A REASON!! NICE ONE I JUST MISSED MY CRITICAL!!

Petty Officer
Mar 23, 2011
Yay, some more posts! Because we totally needed seconds!

1: I was too busy ranting about how I like Milo's new promotion look.

2: I forgot what fighting animation went with what critical hit and by the time i figured it out my turn was up.

3: I have really low strength, will and agility.

4: I had a biscuit beside me but I needed to wash my hands before I touched it because of the amount of germs on the keyboard. I really wanted that biscuit!

5: I was too busy making all my posts have capital I's because autocapitalisation isn't a thing.

6: I laughed because autocapitalisation just came up on autocorrect.

7: I was too busy making fun of Old Scratch.

8: I wondered why my monkey priest decided to wear a bowl on his head.

10: I forgot what came first, 10 or 9.

9: What excuse, um *cough* *cough* ahem, reason, is this again?

12: I ran out of reasons.

Boy was this fun to make! I may be back with another, stay tuned if you're interested!

Petty Officer
May 17, 2011
I have even MORE reasons on why I can't critical! Surprise

24. So, I finally figured out what Gracie's machine was called (it was a "Magic Multiplier Pod"). When I asked her how it multiplied magic, she said figure it out yourself. Still doing that instead of training.
23. I put Baar on chef duty for the week, and he's a vegetarian, so I haven't been getting my fill of protein.
24. Another Fox tried to kill us, and Bonnie Anne is making us forgive him... again.
25. Too busy thinking about reasons why I can't critical, so the game isn't letting me critical to help out.
26. Hoodoo Cornelius snuck into my Witchdocter's Lab last night and accidently blew it up.

Those were most likely the last one's I am gonna do, because I am getting tired of doing these.

Mar 24, 2013
Why my Pirate can't critical here are some reason

1. The crews don't get along
2. Too Much Super hits and Blocking, when fighting the traget
3. Too Much Bad Luck
4. Not enough good weapons of choice, how will i beat that boss with a rusty sword ?
5. The Cheating Hydra
6. Bad Talent draw,where are my healing skills ?
7. Pet shows up too late
8. Pet did nothing, during a turn
9. Queen was too op
10. Rook was too op
11. Companions doing random things, during a battle
12. The Great Machine Dugeon when soloing is unbeatable, for me.
13. Blast of Discord used against my crew
14. Machincal owl heal the traget,during the charm gaze ( that made me dispise this pet )
15. Too busy thinking about of the Moo shu Falcon.

I guess that's the lisit why my pirates can't crtical.

Gunner's Mate
May 28, 2013
1. Is it Monday? I can never critical on a Monday.
2. My offensive spells are in my other deck -- oops, wrong game.
3. I just got a manicure and didn't want to smudge my nails.
4. Hawkules, we know, we know!

5. I hit someone earlier today, and I'm just plain pooped.
6. Did someone say 'Butterfly!'? Where, where?
7. I looked up and a Skarakeet got the drop on me.
8. My friend made me laugh, and it put off my aim.

9. I have the wrong pet equipped. Again.
10. I couldn't find matching socks this morning.

11. Ki-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! All day, all night.